Chicken Sella Diversions – The Royal Touch

Kenyans are always crying about everything and anything. It is always about fuel, CBC, subsidized ‘not for sale’ fertilizer on sale, unga, public debt, ooh sijui the port is getting grabbed etc. If I were the Chicken Sella, sworn in barely two months ago, I would have kept you guys busy with other things. 😊

I would be like…

“Itumbi, kuja hapa. Hii Wakenya wanataka kitu itawafanya wakuwe busy.”

“Kweli Mhesh. Wanaongea sana! Nilikuwa na ideas kiasi….”

“Hebu leta hizo ideas zako tuskie…”

“Mhesh nilikuwa nafikiria ukienda COP 27 ufanye kainterview na mtoto fulani ako hapa amepanda miti kushinda miaka yake times a sausand. Si unajua Wakenya na vitu soft soft! Watasahau bei ya unga kidogo.”

“Enhe! Lakini sitaki kuwa kama regime ya zamani, nataka long-lasting solutions.”

“Hapo kwa long-lasting niko na idea ingine controversial kidogo lakini si saana.”

“Now I am all ears. Controversy sells. Niambie”

“Nilikuwa nataka ushike ororo.”

“Wewe Itumbi wacha maneno yako bwana, hii lugha ya vijana unajua sielewi, ororo ndio nini? Sii unajua mimi ni analog?”

“Mhesh si I thought wewe ni hustler? Kwani hujawahi ona Dj Afro?”

“Wewe, fananua you know I am the president and I am a busy man!”

“Sasa ninataka after interview utapiga picha na mtoto na mama yake. Kuna ndogogio tutaweka akuwe tu stubborn hapo nyuma ajifanye anainsist kupiga picha na wewe. Security itamvuta kiasi alafu tutaconfuse mama tumwambie aende side ya left sasa hapo utafanya the Royal Touch. Na si unajua Ledama? Atakuwa wa kwanza kupost!”

“[smiling] Itumbi wewe naona hunitakii, unataka Wakenya wanifute kazi na sijamaliza ata miezi tatu? Na kwani creativity iliisha wakati ukihesabu kura Twitter? Hebu niitie hii MP ya Fafi? Huyu… Anaitwa nani, Ayub. Ita yeye.”

You see, Kenya is the only nation where its people would plant a seed and immediately dig it up to check whether it is growing. I kid you not, even if Rao were the president, Kenyans would be like, “Huyu presdent ana deni yangu ya 12,000 sasa. Mshahara yangu ya last month sijapata.“

Kenyans put so much pressure on the government that the government has no option but to be innovative and creative. Kenyans love controversy, sweet meaningless words and empty promises. Kenyans would be turned on by a statement like, “Two billion shillings is stolen daily.” But not, “We have completed the first stadium.”

They will go like, “Tuliwaambia tunakata stadium? Siiisi? Punguzeni bei ya unga buana.” But the World Cup will happen in Qatar and they will be like, “Yaani, ile pesa inaibiwa hii Kenya ingetengenesa stadium ya kimataifa. Tungehost world cup. Lakini tulichagua waiiisi, waiisi nakwambia!”

Rather tell a Kenyan, I will give each one of you a chopper than give them a glimpse of a good future. Kenyans hate the future. They love the now! They live in the now! They ache for meaningless scandals and empty promises of, “I assure you in the next two weeks, the witches helping these politicians steal will be siphoned from their dark world and prosecuted!”

To survive as a leader in this country, you need to give empty promises, you need to open meaningless projects even if it means cutting a ribbon tied to a tree and have an arsenal of propaganda. A Kenyan who has never boarded a plane would rather celebrate that they will no longer need a Visa to go to South Africa rather than appreciate that outgoing MP who ensured their child got a CDF school bursary.

It is sad that some MP was mocked because he didn’t build a mansion and drive a big Range Rover because he was too busy attending funerals and harambees. They said, “Huyu ni mjinga, mimi siwes kuwa hiyo position nikufe maskini.”

But what do Kenyans want? If a leader is corrupt they accuse him of stealing, if he is there for them they ask, “Wewe kwani huna kazi ingine ya kufanya? Ni mashule tu utajenga na kupeana bursary? Huoni barabara haipitiki?” And the leader will follow the trail created by his predecessors, create controversy and propaganda to ensure that the ungrateful mwananchi is well fed!

Well, on to the next episode of The Royal Touch… 😁




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